2 min read journal

Day one on HRT.

I lie awake. Tonight was the first night applying transdermal patches, and I went to bed hoping for a magical change. Something that would completely change the way I experience the world.

I lie awake. Staring at the ceiling, wondering what time it is. Am I close to my alarm?

1:00

Nope... Guess not.

I lie awake. Staring at the ceiling. I'm on a higher dose of Adderall, that must be why. I usually don't have this much trouble sleeping normally.

2:00

I lie awake. I wonder if it's the meds still in my system or the fact that they are wearing off.

3:00

I lie awake. I told her that I was feeling sleepy, hopeful that better sleep was coming with the new dose.

4:00

I lie awake. Do I want to be a woman? I'm unsure where that thought was hiding. I wonder if that's it.

4:30

I lie awake. This time I look at the clock and stay on my side.

4:35

I lie awake. I'm not sure when I started looking at trans content. Usually progress pictures, coming out stories, make tryouts, passing. Mostly on Reddit. Always half interested and searching for more examples specific to my life. My story.

4:59

I lie awake. I have cycled through communities that normally distract my anxiety. Tonight it needs to feed. I try to imagine myself posting these questions. If I put myself out there, would I be this confident? I don't spend long imagining myself integrated in these communities. I imagine my current groups. What these changes would do to the dynamic. How many ruined memories would I create.

I fall asleep.

This is an embellishment of a note I found while cleaning out some old files. I don't remember when exactly, but I can still picture the ceiling in the room and the light outside the window years later. I feel better, and have moved past some of these feelings. Some linger.

I have included the original below:

  • I lie awake
  • 1am 2am 3am
  • I'm on higher dose of Adderall
  • That must be the reason
  • Do I want to be a woman pops into my head
  • It actually popped into my head when I started wondering why I couldn't sleep.
  • I even told her that I was feeling sleepy and would hopefully sleep better after a few days on the new dose of meds.
  • Then I started to lay there on my phone, and look up trans content
  • Work coming out stories, name tryouts, passing, balding MTF progress
  • Communities that would be accepting of me, and how many events I would ruin with my presence.