Post Gencon, I get the blues.
While on my first trip to Gencon I came home with some big feelings related to gender, presentation, and what I want out of social interactions. This resulted in a few days of really persistent depression, low energy, and a nasty case of negative self talk.
I don't think this will include all the complicated feelings I experienced while wandering around Indianapolis, but it is a start.
I had every experience related to gender expression I can think of in one trip, highlights include:
- I was gendered he/she/they/or named without gender
- Grouped with "the guys" and ignored with the rest of "the girls"
- I was introduced to many new people. Some of whom asked my pronouns, or used the wrong pronouns, or didn't understand and moved on.
- Friends stepped in to correct others on my pronouns, or introduced me as trans and did the coming out for me.
- Someone pointedly attempted to get my attention by advertising their books as "Strong fantasy women for strong fantasy women"
- I was "thank you sir'd" about as often as I had the door held open for me to go ahead with the rest of the women in line.
- I was seen by a coworker who doesn't know me as anything other than a weeb, and didn't seem to notice my low cut shirt, pronoun pins, "gay-mer" convention flag, or new piercings/jewelry.
There were a lot of good feelings to be had, but just as many conflicting experiences. I do not know how to feel about most of these interactions. What I do know is I am not going to last long in this world being stuck in the middle of a heavily gendered world without a strong sense of my own identity.
I see a lot of posts by people who are happy when they are named/gendered correctly or don't need to correct anyone but I feel almost the opposite.
I am stuck feeling like I don't want to be seen at all. That means to go about my day unnoticed I either need to be seen as some regular dude or as some regular girl, not as someone that gets stammered at or receiving frantically corrected greetings.
I think the dysphoria pains, while out and about, are felt roughly in this order (least to greatest):
- unseen, assumed femm/enby
- seen, assumed femm/emby
- unsee, assumed masc
- seen, assumed masc
- seen, unsure and trying to get my gender right
- there is also the special top category of seen, intentionally miss-gendered or other aggression. This feels bad but it also has added scary intentions so it gets bonus points.
(Un)seen - going about my business without being acknowledged and without noticing any weird looks.
Assumed - how I am treated, either explicitly by actions people take while interacting with me or how people look/react in passing
I also have conflicting feelings about my body changes. I see the changes and feel them daily. I feel like they are obvious and something that is easily visible in the mirror.
I am self-conscious and embarrassed of these changes. I want to hide myself for the reasons above, and because I don't think I am capable/possible/have the right/want to be walking around looking like a bald man with tits and a crop top.
When I experience other people seeing me as a man, I feel bad for spending so much anxious energy hiding myself when no one even notices. But I can't be sure it's because I am hiding myself. Maybe the changes I see aren't noticeable at all. Maybe I am stuck in my own head and in this body that will never let me be seen the way I feel.
The future I want is a fuzzy blob to me. It feels impossible to solidify and the only three strong feelings I have, the only three ways I can identify with my physical body, the only three ways I can interact with the world around me are in direct conflict.
I can't be seen the way I want (blue), while also hiding myself (green), while also looking the same as I always have (yellow).
I don't feel comfortable in my body, and want to change (blue). I don't want to be seen as some oddity, or reduced to "has pronouns" (green). I don't like being seen, or the societal norms that come with it (yellow).
